Regret
by Crogos
Summary: Post FN. Sometimes we're not strong enough to go on alone.


Regret

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It was bound to happen and one day, the wind caught the news and told her it was true. When Alec left she knew she had done him wrong. She sent him out to meet his death.

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"Get out. Get out and don't ever come back." She raged at him, thoughtlessly, carelessly. She didn't see his hurt. She refused to turn and see him plead, "Max. I'm sor—"

Her anger, frustration and despair wound her tightly and she cut him off, "Don't speak. I don't want to hear it. The past can't be undone—but I can change what happens tomorrow. I want you to leave."

Hearing the finality in her tone, and with his own guilt and grief threatening to consume him at any moment, he conceded.

"Okay."

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She wanted to hate him for so long, blame him for everything. Everyone that had made her normal was gone: Cindy, Sketchy, Logan, Asha—even Normal. They left for Canada so long ago that the mention of their names only drew faint memories of times she thought were happier. He made them go.

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"Max, listen to yourself. You're being selfish." He tried to make her see reason as she paced around the small office, her anger uncontainable with potential energy.

"We're not running, Alec! No one is leaving. We stay and we fight."

"This isn't their fight! Don't you get that? They aren't part of the "we" here. We need to let them go." He desperately wanted, needed, her to understand—so she wouldn't hate him.

But Max, ever stubborn, did her best to oppose, even when he knew she understood, "This is our mess; we're going to handle it. We can prove we can handle it. No one needs to leave."

He was getting tired of their argument, "They're going Max. You're only thinking about what you want; you're being unreasonable."

But she raged back, mistaking his weary tone with concession, "Hey! I'm the fucking leader of the damn outfit—you'll listen to me when I say they are staying."

But he matched her anger again, "They're my friends too, and if we ever make it out of this God-damned mess, I want them alive with us and that's not going to happen if they stay in Seattle…They leave tomorrow before dawn. I suggest you make your rounds and say goodbye instead of wasting your breath on me." By the end his fury had quieted, and he turned and walked away.

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Alec and Joshua were the last vestiges of her life before the war, before the great exodus, and now both were gone too.

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Joshua. Darling, sweet Joshua never had a chance at life. It wasn't fair. The vibrant, insightful and eternally compassionate creature so longed for a chance to walk the streets without a mask, without fear. He only wished to be able to embrace the life that was promised to him when his only other home was burned to the ground. That chance would never come.

Alec was there with him that day. He would carry his lifeless body back while his own blood spilled onto the floor. But she didn't see that.

She heard the events unfold over the radio static. Frantic voices, tires swerving on the pavement, and a slew of gun shots that seemed to echo inside her brain at an increasing tempo that threatened to cause her brain to implode if she didn't find out what happened soon.

The relief she should have felt at seeing her best friend and lover alive was stolen by the picture of the too-still giant lying in his arms. She fell to her knees as the weight of the world seemed to fall onto her shoulders. Alec's laboured steps towards her seemed to last an eternity. His own face was covered in blood and tears as he wept openly at the loss of his brother. Joshua seemed to know Alec as much as Max did, maybe even more because of his calm demeanour. He opened his eyes to the world, to what would become his world, and gave him the world herself—Max.

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Joshua had cornered Alec in his small apartment, confronting him about his brooding over the past few days, "Joshua knows, Alec. You don't have to hide."

As always, Alec tried the escape and evade route, "I'm not hiding anything Josh. There's nothing to hide… It'll always be him anyways."

His voice faded at the final part of his defence. Joshua perked up at that, "So Alec does love Max? Alec just doesn't trust Max to love him back."

In that scoffing tone he used to hide his embarrassment Alec answered, "Geez Josh, you're better than psy-ops at the analysis, aren't you?"

But Joshua matched it with his own ominous tone that made him seem older and wiser than the naïve and childish artist Max saw him as, "Joshua just sees. Joshua sees his two best friends in love, but scared. Alec talks to Max."

"There's nothing to talk about. There's too much to be done before any of this drama anyways. I—"

"Alec does not understand. There is only now."

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That stayed with Alec. There is only now. He had been in love with Max for so long that it became routine to hide it, to dismiss it, to excuse it. But something resonated with him there. He didn't know when his story ended, or where it ended, he only had now. Alec knew it probably wouldn't last. Alec knew it would probably end bloody. But Alec definitely knew he wanted to taste her.

So, on a night that seemed so long ago to their battle weary minds, Alec went to Max.

"Max? Are you in here?"

"Yeah. What do you need?"

"Nothing, I just wanted to see if you were still up."

"Alec, it is past 2 am, you should be sleeping. You've got work to do tomorrow. I can't have you lagging here at all hours, because unlike me, you don't have shark DNA."

"I know. But I can't sleep anyways. Too much on my brain I guess. I feel like I'm buzzing."

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not much to talk about really."

"Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes I get in here and see the news and wonder why we bother. And then I remember OC and Sketch and all of our friends…"

"…Do you hate me for sending them away?"

"I could never hate you."

"Never say never, Maxie."

"Alec…I miss them, but I know they're safer away from here. So laugh it up while you can, because I'm only going to say it once—you were right…and I'm glad you were there to see us through that."

"You know I love you, right Max? I mean I know I don't act like it sometimes, but you and Josh…you're family."

"I know. ..I love you too. You guys are all I've got left."

"Heh. Well, look at us, all hearts and flowers tonight."

"I don't think we could get any mushier if we tried."

This was dangerous territory. They knew it; and they had expressed their affections more than once, but this wasn't their pattern. Alec left her desk and moved to drape himself over the old couch facing her. Distance and diffusion. Max went back to her paperwork, and Alec sat quietly with his eyes closed, feigning sleep. But his mind was screaming for him to continue, it wouldn't last long.

"Max?"

"Hmm?"

"What do you want after all of this is over?"

"Well, you're just hitting all the hard questions aren't you? I don't know, probably a barrel of Mole's strongest moonshine and a morphine drip for the morning."

"No, seriously Max. I mean, have you ever really dreamed about what you're going to do?"

"I dunno. Not really I guess. I mean there's so much day to day stuff; I guess I've never really considered it."

"What no cures, no rushing up to Canada?"

"No…I mean, I'd love to see OC and everyone again. I'd bring them back, but me and Logan…It's been almost four years since we last touched. Don't get me wrong, I still want the cure; I'm not particularly fond of the idea that a single touch, an accidental brush on the shoulder could kill him—or anyone really. He's a good friend, but so much time has passed. We're different people; I don't think it would ever work."

"What about us, Max?"

"Hmm? What do you mean? You've got to stop being so cryptic, it's 2 in the morning."

"I mean us Max, you and me. Do you think we could work, that we could be like that?"

"Alec—What? Where is this coming from?"

"Forget it. I just…Never mind."

"Alec, stop! Wait. You don't get to drop the bomb on me like that and then walk away."

"Don't worry about it Max, I get it."

"Shut up. Stop talking like I don't care. I do."

"I think I love you more than I should. And I need to know if there's a chance…"

"Of course you have a chance. You always have."

She touched his face softly, tenderly and brought him closer. They had shared kisses before, but never with the promise of something more, never like this. With her lips pressed against his, he felt that promise. When their tongues met he pulled her tighter against him, and she buried her hands in his hair holding him just as close. Before either realized, he was above her on the threadbare couch.

"Max, I love you."

"I love you too. Kiss me again."

They made love that night, and in the morning they held each other cherishing the moments they had shared, hoping that they would be granted another day as lovers.

ooo

Time went on; their situation worsened. There would be no sympathy from the media or the government, but they had each other, and for a while that was all that mattered. It wouldn't last.

Joshua would be their beginning and their end and the end came too quickly.

It was a glorious day in Seattle. The weather was mild, the sun shining high and bright, not a cloud for miles. However the sounds of an urban fire fight marred the beautiful day, the blood on the ground stained the concrete where it couldn't fade into the earth. Joshua shouldn't have been there.

Alec always told her she babied the gentle creature too much. "He is a grown man," he would tell her. She wouldn't listen. Alec, he walked the way he talked, and he let Joshua go with him. He would be there with him when he fell, and for Max, with her emotions clouding her already tired mind, that was enough.

Both blinded by feelings of anger, injustice, guilt and sorrow, they couldn't find each other. For weeks they drifted apart. But it would crescendo one month to the day. Both were so used to leaning on the other for support in their trials, and when they argued, Joshua was usually there to step in. But he wasn't there anymore, and they fell.

She sent him away blinded by injustice and sorrow, and he left blinded by his own grief and guilt. But then she was alone and she couldn't remember why any of this was important.

She tried to justify what she did. She tried to forget their love. She tried to hate him for the loneliness she felt. But she couldn't. He sent everyone away so they could live to see the end of this war, she sent him away unprotected, heartbroken into the warzone.

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As the months passed, Joshua's death eased its grip on her heart, but no reprieve would be granted as Alec's absence had her struggling to breathe. They didn't have the manpower or resources to search for him, so she could only pray to a God that didn't intend on her existence to return to her the man she sent away.

One day, He answered her.

It was another sunny day in Seattle. It was like the world rejoiced at her misery, mocked her loss. All retrieved Manticore alumni were sent to a Seattle facility. The transgenics always tried to bring the bodies back to Terminal City, where they could rest without further torture to their oft battered bodies.

That's where she saw him.

She dropped down from the ventilation and saw his pale face so still. And suddenly she was on the floor. She couldn't feel anymore. The female X5 behind her dropped in gracefully afterwards and saw her turmoil.

They didn't have much time; it was a well guarded facility. They had to move fast, but Max sat on the floor unmoving, tears streaming down her face unchecked; her partner moved to retrieve the body.

"No. Don't touch him"

"Max, we don't have time. We have to g—"

Finally able to move again, Max stood and said, "No."

She wouldn't leave him alone again. Max sent her partner back up the ventilation system to get out. There would be at least 8 highly skilled, armed guards on their way soon, and the two man recovery team needed to be fast, light and small to fit into the vents. There was no way of beating the guards head on.

Max moved towards her felled lover, and gently stroked his hair. His freckles were stark against his skin, and she couldn't see the eyes that once held so much joy and promise and hope. His body was battered. A stab wound to the back was what killed him, but obviously not without a fight, as his bruised body indicated. So she cupped his face one last time and bent to kiss his split, cold lips. Her heart was irrevocably broken.

She crawled onto the table and lay beside him, holding his body, placing her hand over the heart that didn't beat anymore. She could hear the guards coming, but it didn't matter. She put her head down beside his and whispered her regret over and over again.

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They say dreams are necessary to life, maybe that's why she gave hers up when she saw him. Everything she hoped for, longed for, dreamed about involved Alec. With his death, her dreams died too.

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Max was counting on the guards to be insensitive, indifferent. The door burst open and the guards saw her, red eyed, tears streaming, but looking determined as she sat up from her spot next to the body of the cold, young man. She reached for her gun, and they shot on point. A bullet to the head finished her as she fell back down and over the body she couldn't bear to see so lifeless.

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End

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